Vanessa's Mom - Di Er Ge (Part 2)

That's Vanessa, by the way. And Kevin clowning in the back. They are our favorite two from Abroad China and we all hang out quite a bit. And now, back to our story.

When we last left off, I was jumpy the rest of the day, and had some trouble falling asleep the next couple of nights, as I kept hearing noises but was too scared to open my eyes for fear of coming face to face with a pregnant cat. I mean, it sounds funny to read, but watching Vanessa’s mom tell that story in absolute seriousness, without any smile, and without any intention of purposefully trying to scare us…

Anyway, you can imagine my reaction a few days later when Vanessa invited Tiffany and me to dinner with her mother and her mother’s friend, a fortune teller. “Ah, of course, your mom has a friend that is a fortune teller. Why not?”

I was severely tempted to turn down the invitation, but once again, my stomach betrayed me. I have two major weaknesses. One, is good food, and they were going to an Indonesian restaurant renowned for its sumptuous meals. Two, of course, is free food. Really, it’s a lethal combination for me.

So last Thursday night another large group of us gathered around a very nice, candle-lit table for dinner. While it looked suspiciously like a séance to me, I forgot all about it when the first appetizer arrived. There was Vanessa, Tiffany and me, Vanessa’s sister Andrea and her three friends, Vanessa’s mom, the fortune teller, and the fortune teller’s three friends. The fortune teller’s friends, I was to find out, were sort of a cross between his posse of translators and his cheerleading squad. Actually, I think they were just moochers, tagging along for the free food. And seeing as I was in the same boat, I wasn’t about to complain!

Basically, the flow of dinner consisted of happy chatter on one end of the table and complete attention to the fortune teller on the other. One by one, those who dared took their plates and switched places to sit next to the fortune teller, his friends, and Vanessa’s mom. Some people came back cheerful, others slightly pensive, and some sort of lost in thought, as they replayed their foretold lives in their heads. Apparently, his messages were mostly a collection of vague predilections, the kind you’d expect to hear from your average sidewalk tarot-card shyster. But others were shots in the dark, the sort that left you scratching your head wondering where he came up with this stuff. I suppose, though, that if any of the crazier predictions came true, you’d become a true believer. And after each huge revelation, the fortune teller’s friends would ooh and aah and cover their mouths in dramatic portrayals of shock and disbelief. Then they would all start translating at the same time, maybe a few words from one person, then the next few from another. It reminded me of an improv act at Second City…

By the way, the fortune teller didn’t look anything like what one would expect. Rather, he was just your ordinary overweight, jolly-looking middle-aged Chinese man with a bad haircut and sour body odor. We were hoping for someone who resembled and behaved like the Dalai Lama. But, as Tiffany recalls, he looked more like a plumber.

Tiffany went over before me, and came away entertained, but dissatisfied with his generality. His take on Tiffany was that she has a good life line, she needs to not worry so much, she’s searching for something (which we all took to mean a new job), and that she’d have more than one job, but that it would take her 8-9 months to find one that she liked. Of course, he also told her that she HAD to start wearing earrings or she’d never get another job. He also thought she needed to eat healthier and was lonely at work, both of which were complete misses, since she’s one of the most health conscious eaters I know and her coworkers are the only thing that gets her through the day. Anyway, pretty standard stuff, right?

Well I go over there and he just lays into me like I’m the son of Satan. First off, he says I am very emotional, and have a terrible temper, which I need to try to control. The way he says “control” isn’t too convincing, either, like I’ve got a slim to none chance of ever containing my terrible rage. And his friends all went “oooohhhh!!!” and leaned away as if in fear of my volatile nature. Then he made a comment about my nose and how that indicated that I spend money like it’s water and my financial controls resemble those of an Enron executive. “Mmmm hmmm….” nodded his supporters in vigorous agreement. At that point he leaned back to look at Tiffany and yelled down something in Chinese to the effect of, “You need to control all the money in your relationship! He’ll end up spending it all on lottery tickets!” (Actually it’s true, I happen to like playing the Lotto. Hey, you gotta play to win!)

What else? He also said I’m a reckless driver and that I need to be careful. That was easy enough to take care of, being that I’m in Shanghai and car-less. Finally, he closed on an upbeat note. He said that I’m very arrogant and need to do a lot of charity work in my future. Well, that’s nice, isn’t it? I like doing charity work… And after a finishing round of sympathetic noises from the peanut gallery, I was done.

So it turned out that the fortune teller was less interesting than the conversations we had at the other end of the table about knowing one’s future. Theoretically, the predictions made by a fortune teller should be unavoidable, right? Because if you heard, for instance, that tomorrow you would be bitten by a dog, so you didn’t go out the next day and weren’t bitten, well then, de facto, the fortune teller was wrong and a fraud. Now if you tried to stay indoors all day, but your friend randomly stopped by, and her dog ended up biting you, then you’ve got a fortune teller worth listening to.

We also discussed the merits of knowing one’s unavoidable future, and whether there was even any value in knowing things ahead of time. In the immortal words of Dr. Emmett Brown (aka Christopher Lloyd in “Back to the Future”), “No, [Marty]. We’ve already agreed that having knowledge of the future can be extremely dangerous. Even if your intentions are good, it could backfire drastically. Whatever it is you want to tell me, I’ll find out through the natural course of time.” Which is what I wished I’d said to the fortune teller.

In the end, it wasn’t such a scary night after all, but definitely unique and entertaining. And we are certainly going to miss Vanessa’s mom, who was a riot all on her own, a virtual walking Grimm’s Brothers Fairy Tales, each story told in her distinct accent, a blend of Chinese immigrant and tough, streetwise New Yorker.

A ghoulish tale from the Far East

Zach- October 24, 2005

Halloween isn’t really celebrated here in Shanghai; it’s mostly expats and the pubs that cater to them that are advertising this upcoming All Hallow’s Eve. However, Tiffany and I had our own hauntingly eerie, goosebump-inducing experience this past week.

It all began innocently enough. Vanessa’s mom was coming to Shanghai to visit. We had heard numerous stories from Vanessa about her strong-willed mother, and how she exerted great influence on the family and its affairs. A significant part of her visit was to be dedicated towards Vanessa’s older sister, Andrea, who at 23 had defiantly revealed to her mother that she was dating a German boy. But none of this matters to our story.

Vanessa informed us last Saturday that we were invited to lunch to meet her mother. As the venue was the most famous soup-dumpling house in Shanghai, Tiffany and I were quite excited to go. Little did we know the steep price we were to pay for those tasty soup dumplings…

Lunch seemed to be going well; the light chit-chat and easy banter matched our delight as each successive round of steaming, delectable dumplings were delivered to our table. I don’t really remember how Vanessa’s mom started talking about her dead grandfather. But suddenly, the entire table was silenced, enraptured with her every word:

Many years ago, her grandfather had passed away, in the Chinese village from which her family had originally emigrated. She was just a young girl at the time of his death, and was living in Singapore. Her parents made travel arrangements as soon as possible, and they flew into China, took a bus to the nearest town, and hired a local driver from there to take them to their “lao jia” (hometown, or literally, “old home”) for the funeral. As per the local Chinese custom, the dead body was kept unburied for a period of five days, to allow for proper mourning. Necessarily, the open coffin was kept outside, where the vile odors wafting from the rapidly decomposing body could drift downwind of the village. The fact that Grandfather had died in July did not help matters at all, and between the stifling summer heat and still, humid air, the family’s mourning was significantly enhanced by their own misery. The body had to be attended to at all times, as a display of respect and mourning. However, another reason for the constant vigil was to protect the body from stray animals wandering near the body, specifically, pregnant cats, which were known to be involved in strange and mystical phenomena, and had a legendary history of attempting to jump over the coffins of dead, unburied bodies.

The journey for Vanessa’s mom and her parents to get to the village was a long and arduous one, and one not made easier by the fact that a rapidly forming summer thunderstorm had cast a gray pall across the vast plains, threatening to tear through the sky at any moment. By the time the car pulled into the village, it was getting late, and the clouds that had been gathering force all day were rapidly darkening, blotting out what little daylight remained. The brisk winds had turned ugly, whipping dirt and brush through the air, and carrying sporadic droplets of impending rain. Nevertheless, the remaining uncles and cousins who still lived in the village happily met them outside, and hurried to help them carry their luggage indoors. Their eagerness was not wholly unmotivated hospitality, however. As transportation was not as regular in those days, it had taken the family two days to reach the village, and so Grandfather’s vigil was already on Day 3, which meant that the village-based family had already attended to the body for almost 72 straight hours. They were exhausted. And especially with the increasingly driving rain and first flashes of lightning, they were more than ready to hand over the mourning reins to their newly arrived family members. The problem was, Vanessa’s mom and her parents were just as tired themselves after the rough journey. With the perfect filial piety of all good Chinese girls, Vanessa’s mom volunteered to take the first night’s watch, outside, in the middle of a thunderstorm, so that her parents could sleep and rest. The other family had seen the storm approaching, and so had erected a canopy over the coffin under which Vanessa’s mom could take cover.

So it was that Vanessa’s mom found herself sitting outside, in the middle of the night, surrounded by pitch black darkness (the village, of course, had no streetlights), with a howling thunderstorm whipping the canopy around, and all alone. Well, not all alone. She of course had her dead grandfather to keep her company, and caught creepy glances of him every few minutes, when his body would be lit up by a random flash of lightning. And she would jump, seconds later, when the inevitable, bone-shaking crack of thunder followed. Unnerved as she was, fatigue eventually set in, and Vanessa’s mom began to nod off. Some time later, with a prescience of danger, her eyes suddenly popped open, and peering desperately into the darkness, she could just barely make out the creeping silhouette of movement near the coffin. But though her mind willed action, the enervating weariness had slowed her reflexes, and she could not move quickly enough. A long streak of lightning split the night, and revealed her worst nightmare. As if caught in a freeze frame, Vanessa’s mom could clearly make out a pregnant cat leaping over her grandfather’s dead body, its face locked in an evil, hissing snarl, its luminescent, opaque eyes locking with hers. Then, just as suddenly, the light died, and absolute darkness was restored. Vanessa’s mom froze. Unable to get up or sit back down, she prayed that she had been hallucinating. Thunder struck the earth, and in horror, Vanessa’s mom saw her grandfather’s body pop out of the coffin. Lightning flashed again, and her jaw dropped at the sight of her decomposing grandfather, risen from his coffin, leaning in towards her. With her mouth set open in a silent scream, Vanessa’s mom stumbled backwards in terror, unable to tear her eyes away from the ghastly body that began to follow her. Somehow, she managed to turn and break into a run, back towards the house, only to find that her nightmare was not to end. The haunted corpse continued to close in on her, and entered the house right on her heels. With her pounding heart in her mouth, sure she was going to die, she spotted her uncle, who had heard the commotion, and ducked just as he threw a broom, hitting her grandfather squarely in the body. And just as suddenly, the body slumped to the floor, dead again. It was then that Vanessa’s mom remembered how to scream again.

Much later, a vague explanation was given to Vanessa’s mom. The lightning had passed an enormous amount of electromagnetic energy and charged her grandfather’s body, which was attracted to the iron in her blood. This accounted for the corpse following after her. When her uncle struck the body with the broom, the charge was grounded and the bond broken. To this day, her cousins will marvel at the time that they were woken to the hysterical screams of Vanessa’s mom, and all rushed downstairs only to find Grandfather’s body, collapsed on the living room floor. Vanessa’s mom, suffice to say, has not attended a funeral since. In fact, she was so traumatized by the event that when I asked her permission to retell her story, she only agreed on the condition that I not use her name.

That’s it for now. Stay tuned for later this week, when we discuss the other half of our visit with Vanessa’s mom. Happy Halloween!

Rules of the Road

Tiffany- October 19, 2005

If you consider the fact that Shanghai has 40,000 cabs compared to 12,760 in NYC, you can imagine how crowded the streets can get. Add in personal cars, trucks and buses, and even simple things like crossing the street can be challenging. Over the past 6 weeks, Zach and I have learned how to successfully be a pedestrian in Shanghai. Here are a few of the tips we’ve picked up:

1. Traffic lights and one-way streets are merely suggestions, not rules. Cross streets with caution and always look both ways.

2. Pedestrians absolutely do not have the right of way anywhere. Car trumps motorbike, which trumps bike, which trumps people. If you see something coming towards you that happens to be bigger or faster than you, MOVE!

3. Cab drivers LOVE playing games of chicken with other cabs, cars and bikes. They love to get as close as possible to all other objects before braking. I have to say, they all are very talented, as I haven’t seen any accidents yet. I just can’t imagine how many brake pads they go through in a month!

4. Sidewalks are merely continuations of the street for scooters, motorcycles and bikes. And even on sidewalks, pedestrians do not have the right of way.

5. Locals tend to sit in the front with the cabdriver when riding alone. At first, I thought it was due to the charm of cab driver conversations or the desire to live on the edge and fully experience the craziness of driving in Shanghai. Now I’ve figured out it’s the best seat in the house for two reasons: 1. It is the only seat with a seatbelt (and after you see these people drive, you’ll definitely want it) 2. Unless the cabdriver gets confused and turns the wrong way, there’s little danger of getting spit on (see previous entry ‘Spit Happens’).

When reading all these ‘rules’, one would think Shanghai’s streets were filled with accidents. Fortunately, due to the high levels of traffic, cars go so slow that they have plenty of time to avoid collisions. Either way, we’re always extra careful every time we take on the streets of Shanghai!

Shanghai Culture - A Healthy Obsession with Fabric

Here are a few shots of our new clothes! We went back to the fabric market Saturday, in what is fast becoming a weekly ritual, and of course my overcoat was too big, so they had to make some adjustments, which were to be ready Sunday. That was all well and good, because in the meantime, Tiffany found four more fabrics that she decided would look excellent cut up into custom shirts made for her. And to emphasize one of China’s great assets (cheap labor), she said we were coming back on Sunday, and was there any way they could possibly have the shirts ready in 24 hours? “No problem,” they replied.

On Sunday evening we returned to the market and my coat was still not ready, but the saleslady told me to “follow that guy” and he would finish up my coat on the spot. So I followed him: out of the fabric market, down the street, off into a dark alley which led into a clump of crowded homes, and into his house, which he seemed to be sharing with two other families. I know, maybe not the smartest decision, but I figured the cashmere coat lady would never lead me astray. I mean, she’s still pushing for me to buy some suits off of her…

Anyway, the local residents tend to live in these clusters of 2-3 story homes, all jammed up next to each other. As we walked deeper into the housing block, there was a lot of activity, from doing laundry to feeding the pet rabbit to cooking dinner (perhaps the old pet rabbit) to people biking home through the alleyways. And so I could see into everyone’s homes. What I noticed was that 1) there was NO space anywhere, and 2) people made excellent use of what little space they had. Clothes hung outside across the alleyway, and inside wherever it fit. Rice cookers sat steaming on top of tv's, which faced the multi-purpose sofa/bed/dining room chair sitting and sleeping apparatus. At every few houses was an outdoor water spout and sink, the only source of running water. Bikes were parked on the fire escape.

When we got to the tailor’s home, he parked his bike inside the front door, where 4 other bikes were already cramping the small entry way, and carefully stepped across the unfinished concrete floor into the next room. Here the home opened up into a slightly larger common area, with three cooking areas located next to each other. There was a lady cooking over a burner, and in the area next to her another lady cleaned some vegetables. The tailor walked past them into the back room, which was the biggest, maybe 10' x 6'. A drafting table strewn with half finished clothing sat in the middle, with multiple sewing machines lining the outer walls, and a stack of finished product bagged in the corner. A man sat at one machine and tailored a shirt while a little girl watched him intently. When she leaned in to try and move the fabric alongside the whirring needle, she was rewarded with a sharp bark in Chinese from the man, and she pulled away. A little.

The whole experience was a little surreal, as are most of our new experiences here in China, and fascinating. The confusingly interwoven, narrow streets in a dimly lit neighborhood, packed to the “seams” with people and goods is the standard here in Shanghai. And your ears are overwhelmed with the sounds of people chattering, bikes and cars screeching, kitchens boiling and bubbling, water running and every other daily life activity that could possibly take place, but all at once and multiplied to the nth degree.

In the end, the tailor told me it would take an hour to finish my coat, and I told him it was getting late and I didn’t have time (I’d also left Tiffany back in the market), and that I’d have to get it from him next week. But, I told him, I’d be more than happy to make the trip back into his neighborhood to pick up from his home, now that I knew the way.

Spit Happens......

Tiffany- October 12, 2005

One of the most common sounds heard on the streets of Shanghai is the sound of someone preparing to spit. You’ll be minding your own business walking down the street, when, out of nowhere, you’ll hear the distinct sound of someone ‘hocking a loogey’. I’ve learned from experience, when you hear this sound, you better get out of the way quickly, as the source of the sound has no regards for the people in close proximity. It definitely makes walking around with your I-pod risky, as it could cause you to miss the verbal warning. Spit dodging is not only necessary on sidewalks, but also in cabs. Drivers tend to be quite fond of ridding themselves of saliva, especially when both the front and back windows are open and the car is moving at a good speed. I’ve dubbed the seat behind the driver the ‘spit seat’, and always make sure the window is closed if I happen to be unlucky enough to end up there. I’ve done some research on the situation, and apparently, the Chinese feel it is healthy to spit, as it releases toxins from the body. So the lesson of the day is: when in China, if you hear someone start to spit, RUN!

The Week In Review - A Tailor-Made Week

It was a busy National Holiday week here in Shanghai, no time to let indigestion slow ya down. Keep your emergency Kleenex and wet naps handy, and keep on moving forward!



Tiff and I visited Yu Yuan Gardens, a famous 5 acre garden set in the middle of busy Shanghai. Built during the Ming Dynasty, it was built over 20 years by a private citizen. Why? To please his parents in their old age! Can you believe that? I think that in the last 20 years the only thing I've built for my parents is a solid foundation for a nervous breakdown...





We took a break to watch the fish swimming happily around the Lotus Pool, and spotted this man sprinkling crumbs for the fish, and then trying to catch one with his hand! Needless to say, all the fish are alive and well.




We passed a fun window display on the street with live models...



and then spotted a lady with a breakthrough idea in diaper cost savings! We have seen this a few times now, where a mom will hold her infant in this position with a bare bottom, waiting for the kid to do its business. Don't worry, if you look closely you'll see there's a plastic poop sack on the ground, in accordance with the Chinese signs posted everywhere, "Curb Your Children". Apparently, the concept has become a trendy fasion in the States, but here in Shanghai, its just another day in parenting.(see nytimes.com article from Oct. 9th, "A Fast Track to Toilet Training for Those at the Crawling Stage" or paste the following link - http://www.nytimes.com/2005/10/09/nyregion/09diapers.html?ei=5094&en=1bbffd53e9d34cd1&hp=&ex=1128916800&adxnnl=1&partner=homepage&adxnnlx=1128830783-LLHEBGwOOHv0a3haeMI6og)

We went to the Carnival with Kevin and Vanessa this weekend, and while the thrill rides appeared to be of the shoddy construction, gamble-with-your-life quality rides, there was one BIG highlight of the night.



We all received 10 tokens when we entered the Carnival. First we burned five to ride the Ferris Wheel, as it moved the slowest and had the most children riding, which we figured was incentive for the carneys to pay more attention to its safety. Then we each played a game for prizes. Kevin and I threw darts and failed miserably. Tiffany and Vanessa opted for a hula hoop toss.

After watching many other contestants lose and suffering through my own dextrous inadequacies, I came to the conclusion that carnival games must be rigged. Well sure enough, in the middle of my conspiracy theory moping, and on her first toss, Tiffany ringed a giant Tweety bird with a perfect toss! She came away with the lone victory of our group, and preserved our collective dignity!



But truly, the high point, the acme, and the zenith of the week for me was our discovery of the fabric market. Here you can 1) pick from a dizzying array of your favorite fabrics, 2) search through fashion catalogs or draw your own designs, and 3) negotiate to have clothing tailor made to your body, all for a ridiculously low price. We made three trips during the week and raked in an impressive booty:
2 three-piece suits for me (one cashmere wool and one silk wool)
1 three-piece suit for Tiffany (jacket with matching skirt and pants)
1 cashmere wool long coat for me
2 coats for Tiffany (one wool and one corduroy)
5 shirts

Total price = $345

Now if that doesn't make your discount glands salivate, I don't know what will :) Some of our clothes we've gotten already, and the rest we'll pick up next week!

Well, that's it for this week. Check back next week for at least 2 new articles: The Zach and Tiffany Fashion Show, and Zach Finally Goes To Work.

Guo qing jie kuai le!

Happy National Holiday from China! Last weekend was China's National Holiday, and most people had this whole week off. In another uniquely Chinese twist, the technical holiday was last Saturday, Sunday and Monday, and while most people had this week off, they have to work this Saturday and Sunday.

Basically that means that they have 7 days to travel, and then return to work for 7 days straight!


You can see that Shanghai's famous waterside, known as The Bund, was COMPLETELY packed with people. We stayed away after hearing horror stories about the crowds from Tiffany's coworkers. Apparently there wasn't any scheduled entertainment, just thousands of people roaming around Saturday night with air-filled toys!



Air-filled toys? We have no idea why or what for, and it didn't really appear that the locals knew, either. They just like to carry them around for the weekend. I decided to carry around a dangerous looking Hello Kitty air filled hammer with a menacing look on my face the entire night.


We went with a group of our Abroad China friends to go dancing, instead. From the left, Vanessa, Kevin, Ahmet, Brian and Tiffany. We had lots of fun dancing around, hitting each other with the hammer. Ok, well I had lots of fun hitting other people with the hammer. I think Brian finally took it away from me and threw it away...

Wedding Flashback

The Chans were kind enough to put together a musical slideshow of wedding photographs and a videoclip of our infamous 'Don't Go Breakin' My Heart' dance. If you're interested in checking either out, just go to http://mindobserver.com/tiffzach/. Enjoy!

How to leave comments on our blog

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Shanghai Culture (Couture?) - PJ's and low hanging undies, oh my!

Tiffany and I were walking innocently through Shanghai today when we got clotheslined, literally. Someone had strung up their not-so-privvies across the sidewalk so that we had to limbo under them. With the wind blowing strongly, it was a real challenge to maneuver through this obstacle course.





This poor kid wasn't so lucky. Word from the hospital is that he's recovered from the panty faceplant impact but is still in shock from the up close encounter with the skidmarks...

And then of course this couple, who I suspect are the culprits. Clearly they are strong supporters of the Private-Schmivate movement...

RABID DOGS!!!!

Vendors sell everything from kitchen sponges to pirated DVDs on the street in Shanghai. Here, the item of the day is puppies (for pets, not dinner, we checked).
















With blatent disregard for the San Francisco CDC worker's warning not to touch dogs in China due to the high rate of rabies, Tiffany picks up one of the cutest puppies ever!!!

Tacos and Salsa and Chips, Oh My!

Sept. 29, 2005 Tiffany
My co-workers and I went out for Mexican food last night. Most of them had never tried Mexican food before, or even heard of most of the dishes. After explaining what tacos and quesadillas tasted like, I finally convinced the girls to try them. They liked both so much, we ended up getting 2 more platters of each. I've never seen Chinese people take to Mexican food so quickly!


Belinda loves her quesadillas! Along with tacos and quesadillas, Brian and I gave lessons on the meanings of pinatas, guacamole, and chile rellenos (another crowd pleasing dish). While Shanghai is filled with a variety of different ethnic foods, mexican restaurants are very rare. 















Effie was hesitant to try her first margarita, but she took it down like a champ!

The girls wanted something with lots of vegetables after all the platters of tacos and quesadillas. Needless to say, the Chinese version of taco salad doesn't include much lettuce.....but they loved it anyway!

Care Package Extravaganza!

Sep 27 - Presents!!! Tiffany unwrapped a huge care package from my sister Lisa and out of sheer enjoyment had to fight an overwhelming urge to roll around these blessed, easily-identifiable and familiar snacks like a pig in the mud!!!! THANK YOU!!! I highly recommend sending us care packages here in Shanghai. I guarantee it will be an incredibly rewarding and fulfilling experience. (And you might even enjoy it as well ;) 


Sep 27 - Here I am coveting the Crunch & Munch and Peet's coffee that Lisa sent. Even as I type, I'm chewing on some of her beef jerky, envisioning the feast I will have tonight: Kettle Chips, followed by Cup of Noodles and finished off with Crunch n' Munch!! Bliss is me :)